Humorous Quotes

man laughing 150x150 Quotes Topic List   Humorous

Jeff Bucchino, “The Wizard of Draws”

I don’t know who my grandfather was; I am much more concerned to know what his grandson will be. (Abraham Lincoln)

Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new. (Albert Einstein)

Beware the hobby that eats. (Benjamin Franklin)

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. (Douglas Adams)

Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boy. It also separates husbands and wives. (George Burns)

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough. (Groucho Marx)

I don’t mind growing old. I’m just not used to it. (Victor Borge)

The way to fight your wife is with your hat . . . grab it and run. (Anon)

Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man’s character, give him power. (Abraham Lincoln)

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love. (Albert Einstein)

Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed. (Benjamin Franklin)

You live and learn. At any rate, you live. (Douglas Adams)

By the time you’re eighty years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it. (George Burns)

Although it is generally known, I think it’s about time to announce that I was born at a very early age. (Groucho Marx)

Laughter is the closest distance between two people. (Victor Borge)

Before marriage, a man will go home and lie awake all night thinking about something you said; after marriage, he’ll go to sleep before you finish saying it. (Helen Rowland)

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them. (Albert Einstein)

God heals and the doctor takes the fee. (Benjamin Franklin)

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring close-knit family in another city. (George Burns)

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (Groucho Marx)

Santa Claus has the right idea: visit people once a year. (Victor Borge)

It takes two to make a marriage a success and only one to make it a failure. (Herbert Samuel)

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former. (Albert Einstein)

Keep your eyes open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards. (Benjamin Franklin)

If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few people die past the age of a hundred. (George Burns)

I’ve known and respected your husband for many years . . . and what’s good enough for him is good enough for me. (Groucho Marx)

Who ever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. (Groucho Marx)

You’ve got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I’ll bet he was glad to get rid of it. (Groucho Marx)

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. (Groucho Marx)

Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may live it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house. (Jean Kerr)

Setting an example is not the main means of influencing others; it is the only means. (Albert Einstein)

Life’s tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise to late. (Benjamin Franklin)

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years. (George Burns)

Now there’s a man with an open mind – you can feel the breeze from here. (Groucho Marx)

We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren’t developed . . . but we’re going back next year. (Groucho Marx)

The only reason for time is so that everything doesn’t happen at once. (Albert Einstein)

Never confuse motion with action. (Benjamin Franklin)

She got her good looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon. (Groucho Marx)

There are two kinds of cruises – pleasure and with children. (George Burns)

There’s only one way to find out if a man is honest . . . ask him. If he says ‘yes,’ you know he is a crook. (Groucho Marx)

When you’re finished changing, your finished. (Benjamin Franklin)

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be. (Douglas Adams)

When the solution is simple, God is answering. (Albert Einstein)

There’s one thing I always wanted to do before I quit . . . retire! (Groucho Marx)

Wise men don’t need advice. Fools won’t take it. (Benjamin Franklin)

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. (Groucho Marx)

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. (Woody Allen)

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example! (Mark Twain)

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast)
VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)

If you're new here, you may want to subscribe to my RSS feed. Thanks for visiting!

Ron on January 17th, 2009 | File Under Quote Topic List | No Comments -